fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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