just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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