you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
