i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
