a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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