Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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