dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
