Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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