So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
