I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize