The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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