I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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