I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
