let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
