I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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