"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
