i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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