I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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