Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
