hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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