....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
