I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
