he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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