maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
