Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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