come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
