Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
