hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
