the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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