i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
