hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
You brought string cheese to the strip club
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
