Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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