You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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