i already hear my dad disowning me
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
