The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
