I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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