I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
