nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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