We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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