i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
3pm strippers are depressing
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
