just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Drunk is not a location!
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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