hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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