He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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