Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
