Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
