i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
