and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize