Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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