the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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