so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
