If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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