I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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