last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize