As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
