did you get engaged???
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
she pinky promised me she was 18
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
