I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
