I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
