We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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